Sunday, January 07, 2007

Peevish Indians

We are peevish! We are easily annoyed or irritated when someone says anything negative about India or Indians. All of you out there in the world, if you want to write about India, write something positive, write about our glorified ancient history, rich heritage and culture, celebrate our achievements in the software industry, or compliment us on our hospitality. But don’t write anything negative. We don’t believe you.

We don’t look at our garbage filled pavements, pot-hole ridden roads, or the sorrow on begging children. Actually, we don’t have any misery. If there is any, we have learnt to close our eyes when it appears. We don’t have AIDS, and if there is any news about AIDS, it is highly exaggerated. We don’t suffer from poverty; your definition of poverty doesn’t hold well for us. We want to be compared on purchasing power, not absolute per capita.

We are the world’s biggest democracy; don’t write about its flaws, because we don’t have any. We don’t have dowry deaths, we don’t have untouchability, there is no caste violence- they are things of the past. If they do happen, they are isolated incidents, exaggerations and propaganda campaigns. Where we live, those things don’t happen.

We have learnt to live with corruption and therefore it’s not a problem for us, it’s actually a way of life, the middle path, which we Indians have learnt and which the West will learn when it gets civilized. We have learnt to live with all inequities. They are actually natural harmonies; we live with them, in tune with all those inequities. We are not apathetic to our environment, it just happens that we live in it, harmoniously, and therefore we don’t see what you see.

And before you criticize us, look at yourself. We see gaping holes in you. ‘Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others’. You have flaws too, therefore you can’t criticize us.

Ah, you talk about our proud city, Mumbai, and say that it is the rudest city on the planet? We don’t accept your study and its methodologies. They are flawed. You say that we have gone down the index on freedom to press and media? It is flawed too. You are envious of our progress and therefore you rank us low. You say that our country has AIDS and therefore wish to donate millions of dollars? How dare you do that? Do you think we are beggars to accept your money? Moreover, we think it’s your way of ‘unnecessarily’ highlighting the problem and blowing it out of proportion. We have everything under control. In fact, we have just erased two zeros from the number of AIDS patients. See, now everything looks perfect.

And please don’t write books that show us the stark truth. We are not used to seeing our flaws in the mirror. Don’t write about anti-Sikh riots of 1984, we will ban it. Don’t show our gods in nude, we will ban them. Oh, what about the ones in our temples? We prefer not to look at them. The temples are so dark anyway. We catch a glimpse of our God, ask what we want, and we quickly get out without admiring any of the architectures.

And please don’t use our gods on your T-shirts, sandals, toilet seats, and don’t use them on your CD covers. We will protest, use our muscle power to make sure you won’t sell any of that stuff.

Please don’t write anything generalizing Indians. We are completely oblivious to color of the skin. We don’t care whether you are black or white. Our Lord Krishna was actually dark. We don’t use any creams to become fair. It’s just a marketing gimmick; you can’t base your argument on that. We are not racist. We are just class-conscious. We are just following our ancient texts which clearly lay out the principles of natural hierarchy which when followed only reflects the harmonious balances of the universe as seen by Supreme Being.

Don’t criticize our Vaastu. Don’t you have Feng-Shui? Our Vaastu is far more advanced and scientific than your Feng-Shui. Don’t you know that if your plot is in the shape of a turtle, you are bound to die? Your website sucks? Use Vaastu. Our ancestors anticipated websites much before you could even read or write. They have laid down all the rules for making a good website thousands of years ago. Once you follow these rules, positive cosmic energies will flow through your website, making it successful. It’s all written in Vaastu, you just need to understand it. We have many experts. We can export some to you.

And please don’t even go near our national issues. We strictly do not tolerate any discussions on our national integrity. If you feel that any of our people are unhappy, then you have no idea what you are talking. All of our people are very happy with us. It’s just that we have bad neighbors who keep sending these unhappy elements into our country. And stop writing anything to solve it, we consider it sedition and we will pack you off to jails. Already, we have POTA, TADA, and many other such acronyms; you will fit into one of them for sure. And then you are history.

Please don’t tell us about tolerance. We ARE tolerant. Don’t you know that Hinduism preaches "sarva-dharma-samabhava"? It’s inherent in us to be tolerant. And if you say anything more, we will crush you and shove all our tolerant principles down your throats.

We are diverse. Look at our people; they come in all shapes and customs, all languages and religions. We don’t know much about them, their culture, or their identities, but so what? Can you speak as many languages as we do?

And yes, our governments bodies, academic bodies and industry is completely filled with upper caste Hindu groups, and that's because they are good at them. Those who are not good at them are given other menial jobs. This is our definition of diversity; you don’t have to teach us what it is. Your civilization is only few thousands years old. We are more than ten thousands years old. Don’t you know the new archeological expedition sponsored by Dr. Murli Manohar Joshi dates us way back into end of Ice Age? We are pre-historic. You are kids in front of us.

We don’t like to get our people converted to other religions. Yes, we believe in freedom to practice a religion, but we believe one should practice the religion he is born into; not convert. Conversion is against the natural order prescribed in our ancient texts. Just imagine if all your blacks suddenly became white, wouldn’t that upset your natural balance?

Modern Science? Don’t even go there. Our Vedas have all your science combined and ten times more, written in a language that only selected few can understand. It’s just that we can’t really decipher them when we need them. And it usually happens that we understand them only after the Modern Science has clearly explained it, just the way Nostradamus’ prophecies are explained after the events happen. You may think it’s cryptic. For us, it’s very natural. We have no problems in calling airplanes birds, and we look at quarks and atoms as bears and wolves. It’s our way of speaking and alluding to complex physical and mathematical concepts.

How did we derive our alternate sciences? Hmm, we just sat under a tree and meditated for long, and then Behold! Everything became clear and then we wrote it down. Sorry, we don’t believe in empiricism and your Kant’s dialecticism. We arrive at truth in one single stroke. No deduction, no logic, no reasoning, no hard work. That’s why you see so many Indians doing nothing, sitting and sipping chai, trying to look for answers to the world’s problems, while you waste away your time in labs doing unnecessary research and engineering.

We are Indians. Let us be the way we are. We don’t like to be criticized. We know enough about you and we are smart enough to find loop holes in all your arguments and send you back home with tails between your legs. We don’t like to be corrected. We are already correct. We don’t like to improve. We are already perfect. We don’t need to learn anything from you; we are all learned pundits here.

So, please don’t tell us anything negative about us. It’s not welcome here. We get really pissed off when someone does that. We will call you a traitor, an enemy, a fool, and abuse you, and threaten you to shut up. If need be, we will come to your home, raid your works, burn up your paintings, shut down the theatres, and run around the streets with a sense of accomplishment.

Yes, we are peevish, and we are proud of it. After all, we are Indians!

18 comments:

  1. It's ages since I read a post that made perfect sense.
    Kudos.
    Am linking you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautiful post and written well.

    ReplyDelete
  3. boy,
    You look like another hyper-intellect ass-hole. Your blog description and 'about me' make little match with the articles you've written.

    It's amazing to see how you draw parallels to hitler-islam-reservations; and with a fancy venn-diagram. Itz again amazing to see how you draw parallels to kamasutra and pornography.. I couldn't stop laughing.

    Opinionists are already ass-holes and you derive from Discovery/NGC channel and TOI junk.

    I wish I could meet you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. YouAreALeftistCrookJanuary 09, 2007 6:52 PM

    Satire: Do Not Say Anything Negative About Us - We Are Muslims

    We are peevish! We are easily annoyed or irritated when someone says anything negative about Islam or Muslims.

    All of you out there in the world, if you want to write about Islam, write something positive, write about our glorified crusades, rich heritage and culture, celebrate our achievements in the petroleum industry, or compliment us on our hospitality. But don't write anything negative. We don't believe you.

    We don't look at our burqa-clad women,gun-toting men, or the sorrow of ill-treated wives. Actually, we don't have any misery. If there is any, we have learnt to close our eyes when it appears. We don't have polio, and if there is any news, it is highly exaggerated. We don't suffer from an inferiority complex.We have the world's biggest oilfields; don't write about our flaws, because we don't have any.

    We don't have terror-related deaths, we don't have instant divorces, there is no terrorist violence- they are things of the past. If they do happen, they are isolated incidents, exaggerations and propaganda campaigns. Where we live, those things don't happen. We have learnt to kill the non-believers and Kaffirs;therefore it's not a problem for us, it's actually a way of life, the middle path, which we Muslims have learnt and which the others will learn when they get civilized.



    And before you criticize us, look at yourself. We see gaping holes in you. 'Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others'. You have flaws too, therefore you can't criticize us.

    nd please don't write books that show us the stark truth. We are not used to seeing our flaws in the mirror. Don't write about anti-Hindu pogrom that was larger than the Holocaust, we will ban it. Don't show our gods even fully clothed, we will ban them.
    And please don't use our gods and prophets to draw cartoons.We will not protest, not use our muscle power to make sure you won't sell any of that stuff.However,don't mind if we will kill you.

    Please don't write anything generalizing Muslims. We are completely oblivious to presence of the foreskin. We don't care whether you are a believer or non-believer. Our Prophet Muhammad was actually good. We are not anti-non-Muslims.We are just belief-conscious.


    And please don't even go near our intra- religious issues(Shia v/s Sunni etc.). We strictly do not tolerate any discussions on our religion. If you feel that any of our people are unhappy, then you have no idea what you are talking. All of our people are very happy with us. It's just that we have bad non-believers who keep sending these unhappy elements to kill us. And stop writing anything to solve it, we consider it against Koran and you will be publicly executed. Already, we have 'non-believer','kaffir', and many other such words for you; you will fit into one of them for sure. And then you are history.

    Please don't tell us about tolerance. We ARE tolerant. Don't you know that Islam preaches "Kill the non-believers" and "jihad-the holy war"? It's inherent in us to be tolerant. And if you say anything more, we will crush you and shove it down your throats or execute you publicly- all our tolerant principles.

    We are diverse. Look at our people; they come in all shapes and customs, all languages and religions. We don't know much about them, their culture, or their identities, because half their faces are covered.But so what? Can you kill as many disbelievers as we do? And yes,we have 72 virgis waiting for us in Paradise.So don't mind if we kill you.

    We don't like to get our people converted to other religions. No, we don't believe in freedom to practice other religions, but we believe one should practice the religion he is born into; not convert as long as the religion is true.However Islam is the only true religion,so people don't have much choice of being born into.
    Conversion is against the natural order prescribed in Koran("Kill the disbelievers").


    We are Muslims. Let us be the way we are. We don't like to be criticized. We know enough about you and we are smart enough to find loop holes in all your arguments and send you back home with tails between your legs. We don't like to be corrected. We are already correct. We don't like to improve. We are already perfect. We don't need to learn anything from you; we are all learned mullahs here.

    So, please don't tell us anything negative about us. It's not welcome here. We get really pissed off when someone does that. We will call you a traitor and disbeliever, an enemy, a fool, and abuse you, and threaten you to shut up.....and oh yeah ..we will hang you in public cbecause criticizing Islam is worse tan killing a human,unless the human happens to be a disbeliever. If need be, we will come to your country, raid your homes, rape your women, convert the people, and run around the streets with a sense of accomplishment.

    Yes, we are peevish, and we are proud of it. After all, we are Muslims!And yes,we have good friends like Sujai.Cheers

    P.S:I don't care if you reject my comment.I see you have got some very intelligent comments so far.
    First three comments are wonderful.Keep it up!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sri:
    Your comments make a nice reading. Your criticism would apply if you are a Muslim- because you say - "Yes, we are peevish, and we are proud of it. After all, we are Muslims!"

    If you are not a Muslim, then you are ridiculing others (whom you do not represent) by pretending to be one of them.

    If you are not a Muslim, your writings only emphasize what I am trying to say- that Indians are not able to take criticism well- each time they are criticized they like to point the negatives in others without taking it maturely! That's exactly what you are doing.

    I think if you are able to write this as a Muslim, it would definitely be a criticism of oneself (which is the purport of the article above)- otherwise it stands out as a mockery.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The above comment is addressed to
    YouAreALeftistCrook.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Palha:
    I did not give you the permission to call me an ass-hole.

    I am not sure if I would be excited to meet you- it would be a waste of my time.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi nice post, some things maybe true but Indians are smarter and a bit more optimistic too. AIDS is a bogus disease and I wrote something about it in my blog too !

    ReplyDelete
  9. Looks like confessions of a "Hindu". Are they no other Indians who are not Hindus?

    ReplyDelete
  10. great blog! i even enjoyed the satire of Muslim criticism ;)
    i always wondered why as indians we never accept criticism, i was born in the state of kerala , and i had experiences with how my society rarely accepts criticism in good faith though every media there metes it out on a regular basis.
    i personally believe that a critical society is a healthy society ,and consequently i feel Islamic society in general needs to mellow down the way it handles criticism.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well said. You are good at satire.
    I'm linking to you.

    -Anjali

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sujai,
    I guess you forgot one line in the above post, if you dont mind.
    "Don't gives us your crap pirated hollywood porn,Before we gave you our kamasutra,you albino clones didnt know how to f*ck,and reproduced asexually."

    ReplyDelete
  13. Really awesome post. Loved reading it. People like palha and 'youarealeftistcrook', I am sorry to say, have limited neural connections. (apparently it's not the number of brain cells that count, but the neural net density that decides intelligence)

    Why don't people realize one thing that the FIRST STEP IN SELF IMPROVEMENT IS TO RECOGNIZE ONE'S OWN FAULTS???

    Indians just cannot take criticism. 'I want to live in the gutter like a bas***d, how dare you criticize my superior lifestyle??'

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey sujai,

    In your sarcasm you forgot to mention the topics related to prostituition, homosexuality and soft drugs.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Awesome blog..can't agree more.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am flabbergasted. What do you have against India ? Whatever you said is there everywhere ! I don't know, where you have fallen from but USA, Europe everywhere you will see these problems. How come people visiting to a different land start hating their way of life which they lived until that time. I am not talikng about taking a criticism or not, but you are being such childish bringing out all trivial problems to surface. The problem of Aids is everywhere, before comparing anything with America remember that America has a history of ruling itself for more than 250 years. We are just over one-fifths of its self-rule time. America had its own problems, there were the civil wars, then the great depression etc. now it has become the most powerful country passing all those kind of phases. Give India its time. We are still a developing nation.

    ReplyDelete
  17. With European and American dependency, Hindus and Muslims fall apart. That goes for Jews.

    ReplyDelete

Dear Commenters:
Please identify yourself. At least use a pseudonym. Otherwise there will be too many *Anonymous*; making it confusing.

Do NOT write personal information or whereabouts about the author or other commenters. You are free to write about yourself. Please do not use abusive language. Do not indulge in personal attacks and insults.

Write comments which are relevant and make sense so that the debate remains healthy.